A theatrical reading of Jane Austin´s Pride and Prejudice

Prologue

And now.... a few characters from Pride and Prejudice, tired of arguing about their opinions decide to take a travel through the time tunnel.

When a girl have some issues to discuss, when a girl's thoughts can't be understand by her family and society, what does she do to try to solve it? Write a book? Where can she go? To a shrink? Starring a mexican soap opera? Appear in all tabloids? No... nowaday we have a better solution. The right place for a girl to go and know for sure she will be listened and understood. Only one person has the answers to every single thing nowadays...

And this is what we are going to show you…

Play

Voz de fundo: Liiiiiive, from the BBC Studios... The Oprah Winfrey Show! And with you ... Oprah Winfrey!!!

Platéia: ÉÉÉÉÉ!! (BERROS E APLAUSOS)

Oprah entra arrasando.

Oprah: Thank you, thank you. Welcome to one more Oprah Winfrey Show! And today, we have a very serious issue to talk about. And it is something that happens to a lot of girls nowadays... What to do when you start getting to old to grab a husband???

Platéia: (cochichos e olhares sérios): “Yeah...” “Oh God...” “I wouldn’t know…”

Oprah: And what should a mother do when her daughter is getting old but is too proud to accept the proposals she receives?

Platéia: Ooooohhhh.

Oprah: Yeah... I know... So, the first guest I will receive here today is Miss Elizabeth Bennet.

Elizabeth entra cheia de orgulho, arrogância e imponência. Platéia aplaude.

Oprah: Well people… Miss Bennet here is a good example of what we were just talking about. She is a 20 year old girl and is still single....

Mrs. Bennet entra berrando: Not for long!!!!

Mrs. Bennet olha a platéia e finge falso rubor e vergonha.

Oprah: Mrs. Bennet, ladies and gentleman! This young lady's mother.

Platéia aplaude sem entender muito.

Mrs. Bennet se enfia entre Elizabeth e Oprah no sofá, mandando Elizabeth "move over".

Mrs. Bennet: Thank you... Well... I was waiting backstage, reading a book and not paying much of attention, but you know... (e num tom mais baixo e se aproximando de Oprah) you cannot just tell everyone about my daughter's... er... condition... like this. Such a beautiful and gifted girl will soon get married. And she even has 2 suitors...

Elizabeth: Mother! I do not have...

Mrs. Bennet: Yes you do! (e baixinho perto dela) I know what I am doing. Propaganda is everything in this business... especially when nationally spread through TV!

Elizabeth: Mo...

Mrs. Bennet: Shh! (e para Oprah) As I was saying, she had a suitor... But that fake friend of hers... Charlotte Lucas, grabbed him, poor Mr. Colins, when he came here to propose to my daughter.

Elizabeth: Mother! I refused him! And she is not...

Mrs. Bennet: Shh! I mean, I know she is 27 year old, and would never find anyone who would want her by this time, but...

Um barulho de risadinhas no fundo do palco chama a atenção de Oprah. Kitty estava numa cochia espiando e rindo. Mary atrás dela, parece entediada.

Oprah: And who are those...

Mrs Bennet: My other beautiful daughters!!! (acena para elas entrarem no palco e para que o público aplauda). Kitty entra e se senta no sofá apertando cada vez mais Elizabeth. Mary não sai da cochia. Mrs. Bennet arruma Kitty e a manda sorrir. Kitty sorri e se exibe exageradamente.

Mrs Bennet para Mary (séria): Mary! Come here! Will you have a better chance of finding yourself a husband than in TV?

Mary entra contra a vontade e se larga no sofá. Mrs. Bennet a arruma também.

Mrs. Bennet (para suas filhas): Smile, smile... Remember, there is no better chance to be noticed by lots of possible suitors than in TV!

Mrs. Bennet: These are Mary, who is 18 years old, and Kitty, who is 17. Look how pretty they are! And also very gifted. I still have Jane, my elder daughter. She has married a handsome nobleman called Mr. Bingley, I am sure you know who he is. So she did not need… I mean, she could not be here tonight...

Oprah: But I understand that you have one more daughter, don't you Mrs. Bennet?

Mrs. Bennet's happy face fades, but she pretends happiness talking about Lydia. : OH... yes... well My Lydia is already married as well, and at the age of 15, you know...

Elizabeth: She hasn't gotten married! She was seduced by Mr. Wickham and has eloped with him!

Mrs. Bennet: She is married now! Different from you, who is seated here being called single right now! You are not getting any younger, you know?

Elizabeth: Oh! And thanks to you that she has eloped, I mean (com ironia) gotten married, isn't it mother?

Mrs Bennet: Oh! I am going to call your father, missy... Mr. Beeeeenneeet.

Elizabeth: Oh God! Let my poor father alone, for God's sake...

Mrs. Bennet: Mr. Beeeeenneeeet. He is never... He is always in that chamber!

Elas começam a discutir, Mary e Kitty também entram na bagunça e Oprah interrompe tentando controlar a bagunça das mulheres Bennet. (Elizabeth.: “Oh my God Mother...” Mrs Bennet: “What? It is true…Oh, my nervs...” Kitty: “ Mom, mom! Am I looking beautiful??” Mary: Oh God… here we go” – todas ao mesmo tempo)

Oprah: Ladies, LADIES! As I understand Miss Lydia as been founded and now is married, thanks to a noble man...

Elizabeth: Aaaaafffff..

Oprah: Mr. Darcy, wasn't him?

Mrs. Bennet: Oh Yes! Mr. Darcy! What a gentleman! And now he wants to marry my daughter Elizabeth! And she going to accept it!

Elizabeth (revoltada): What??? I am not going to...

Oprah: Ladies.... Why don't we call Mr. Darcy here and he tell us if he is going to propose to Elizabeth or not?

Elizabeth: Aaaaafff....

Oprah: Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy!

Platéia aplaude, berra e suspira. (lindoooo) (cartazes: Mr. Darcy, if she doesn't marry you, I will!)

Mr. Darcy entra no palco, olha para as Bennets, faz cara de desdém, e se senta do outro lado de Oprah, tentando manter distancia das Bennets.

Oprah: So, Mr. Darcy. You are the hero who helped the Bennets and the Gardners finding young Lydia!

Mr. Darcy: Well… yeah…

Mrs Bennet (empolgada): And now he wants to marry my Elizabeth!

Elizabeth: Mother!

Mr Darcy: Actually… She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me.

Platéia: Oooohhhh!

Elizabeth: (para sua mãe) You see! And this is what I get for you attempts to throw me to the most prejudiced man I have ever seen! Did you forget that he was the one who almost destroyed Jane's marriage with his friend, Mr. Bingley? Only because of prejudice? I would never marry such an arrogant lord!

Platéia: Oooohhh!

Mr. Darcy: But… you have to understand that I thought she was not actually attached to him, that she only wanted to marry him because you all are…

Elizabeth (indignada): What??? What are we???

Platéia: Oooohhh!

Oprah: Darlings… please! Let´s see what does our audience thinks.

Oprah se levanta e vai com um microfone até a platéia, onde uma mulher está ansiosa para falar.

Oprah: Yes dear! What do you think?

Audience 1: I’m with you, girl!!! He’s arrogant, he’s snobbish… He doesn’t deserve you! You are intelligent, you’re waaay ahead of your time! YOU ARE A CHICK FROM ENLIGHTENMENT, GIRL!

Platéia aplaude e berra concordando.

Oprah: Girls, girls! Let’s see another opinion...

Outra pessoa na platéia levanta.

Audience 2: Oh, I HAVE to say something!

Oprah: Yes dear?

Audience 2: (para a audience 1)Oh, shut up girl!!! (e para Elizabeth) Why don’t you just grab him??? He is handsome, he is rich, he is influent… He is SOOOOOOO in love with you!!! What else do you need in a man??? (e para Mr Darcy, numa voz sedutora) And Mr Darcy… If she doesn’t want you… I DO!!! Actually, my cell phone is 9…

Oprah: OK GIRL!!! THANK YOU!

Mrs Bennet: You see!!! That’s how you should be acting!!! He is a good man! He will be good for you.

Oprah (encantada com a preocupação de Mrs. Bennet com a filha): Oooohh... See, Elizabeth! Your mother only wants you to be well.

Mrs Bennet: Of course!!! Have you seen his posesions? Here! Look! I have some pictures! (e mostra umas fotos para Oprah e Elizabeth) Look how huuuuge his rear state is! And look at this art works! He even has an statue of himself in the middle of the house!

Oprah e Darcy olham para Mrs Bennet espantados com a total falta de noção dela.

Elizabeth arranca as fotos da mão de Mrs Bennet.

Elizabeth: OH MOTHER!!!

Mrs Bennet (sem entender): What??

Elas começam a discutir novamente.

Oprah: DEARS, DEARS… PLEASE!!! (e para Elizabeth) Darling... Don't you see that this man has always loved you?

Platéia: Ooooohhhh

Oprah (se dirigindo a Elizabeth quase que de forma maternal): And that when he realized that he was wrong about your sister Jane, he encouraged Mr.Bingley to marry her, which he Did!

Platéia: Oooohhh

Oprah: And that even though he is a nobleman, still he has helped your family when your sister Lydia eloped with Mr. Wickham, only because of his affection towards you?

Platéia: Oooohhh

Mrs Bennet (nervosa e angustiada): And for God's sake! This man has already proposed you twice! How many proposals do you think you still have ahead to dismiss????

Platéia (aplaudindo e berrando): YEEEEEAAAHHHH

Oprah (com um olhar perspicaz, de quem está armando algo): People, people... I think Mr. Darcy here has something to say to Elizabeth, don't you think?

Platéia: Ooooohhhh

Mrs. Bennet: Oh, God, I hope he still has...

Oprah (com toda sua labia): Come on Mr. Darcy... one last try...

Mr. Darcy: Ok, ok....

Mr. Darcy se levanta e ajoelha de frente para Elizabeth

Mr. Darcy: Elizabeth... will you finally accept to marry me??

Elizabeth: Ahm... I thiiink I may....

Mrs. Bennet (revoltada): You think???? You think????

Oprah: Giiiiiiirl... this attitude of yours is going waaaaaaay too far....

Mr. Darcy (revoltado, com o orgulho ferido, se levantando e dando as costas): I knew it... She is too damn proude to...

Elizabeth (se levantando): Ok, ok. I will!!

Platéia (APLAUDINDO): YEEEEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!

Mr. Darcy hugs Elizabeth and spins her around.

Oprah: And this was The Oprah Winfrey Show, live from the BBC studios! Don't miss next week when we are going to discuss if man can actually create life with his bare hands, with the presence of a doctor who says he actually did it!
Audience 2 levanta o seu cartaz para Mr. Darcy e o vira ao contrário, onde diz: Frankstein, if nobody else wants you, I’ll marry you!

Platéia (APLAUDINDO): ÉÉÉÉÉÉÉEÉ


THE END